I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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