Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
