At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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