clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
40s are totally the cure
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
