Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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