They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
3 2 1 whiskey
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize