as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
