I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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