so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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