Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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