he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Come on in and take your pants off
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