can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
