Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
