I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
