apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
