Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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