I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
