also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
sex in a hospital.. check
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
