I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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