I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
