miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
