i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I touched a dick in church today
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
