remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just forgot I was standing up.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
