we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
