i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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