I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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