What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
