There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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