I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
