woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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