Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i already hear my dad disowning me
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My ass is underappreciated
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
