Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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