FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
