he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
