I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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