I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
