Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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