it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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