I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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