all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I have already put on my inside pants.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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