I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
whose ass print is on the piano?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
