Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
