I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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