tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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