When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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