I need help removing her.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
