I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
