I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
