I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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