he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
