just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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