My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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