I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
