U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
