How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
