I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
