Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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