I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
