just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
