I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
