i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
