Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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