After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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