just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize