I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
